More on the Subject of Sex in Marriag

Let’s talk about sex. If you are a child of the 80s (like yours truly), this might instinctively make you think of Salt N Pepa.  ~Let’s talk about sex, bae-be, Let’s talk about you and me, Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be…~

…anyways…
If you know me, you know this is a subject I am passionate about (pun intended). But seriously, I talk about it as much as I can. Why? Well, because I don’t think we (“we” being Christians) talk about it enough. On that note, there are 2 more things about sex that I feel need some highlighting. I will focus on one now and post the other later.

I have learned something. If you want your blog to get some hits, try talking about sex. Seriously. I mean it. The single most popular blog post I have written is “Marriage Tip # 16: Have Sex. Lots of Sex. Ya’ll. I mean LOTS.”  I’ve thought a lot about what makes it so popular, and here are my suspicions-
I have found that one of the more popular audiences for my post about sex is college students (yeah, I see you. I know you’re reading this. If only you would read your textbooks like you read these posts about sex…).  I suppose it’s partly because they find it a bit amusing that a professor at a conservative Christian college and former youth pastor would talk so frankly about sex. But I think there is also something more. I think young people- or perhaps just people- have a natural curiosity about sex, and the unfortunate reality is that most of what the Internet has to offer on the subject is GARBAGE like STINKY AWFUL ROTTEN G-A-R-B-A-G-E.

I believe that sex is meant for marriage (certainly NOT a popular internet idea). However, we have some problems with what we communicate about sex in marriage. The prevailing perception about sex in marriage is that it is dull and infrequent. If you watch TV, read comics, or even listen to friendly banter, you will often hear this sentiment communicated. We need to stop feeding the bleak narrative of sex in marriage, especially in Godly marriage! Listen, I do not want to ‘awaken’ anything before its time, BUT in our sex-saturated world, if we are trying to tell young Christians to wait, we need to make sure they know it is worth waiting for! 
Sex in marriage is extraordinary and frequent if we make the choice for it to be! We have 2 full-time jobs, 4 kids, a dog, and plenty of things vying for our time, but we prioritize this because we recognize that if we believe God created sex for marriage, it must be VITALLY important. In our experience, we have seen this be truuuueeee over and over again. With busy lives, it doesn’t happen by accident. We are INTENTIONAL about it.  We’ve now been married 11 years and it is still a HUGE part of our married life and was TOTALLY UNEQUIVICLY AND ABSOLUTELY worth the wait!  We need to stop feeding the idea that sex dies in marriage and start communicating that in God’s design for marriage, sex is alive and well!

Marriage Tip #16: Husband & Wife: Have Sex. Lots of Sex. Ya’ll. I mean LOTS.

I have debated writing this for a while, but I can’t ignore it anymore. Before I get into this, please know I am not a marriage expert (obviously). But I do have a wonderful marriage of 17 years (as of 2023). I know our experience is not like everyone’s, but I honestly wish it were. It is so great. However, if you are reading this and thinking, ‘Great is not a word I would use to describe my marriage,’…that’s ok because God believes in marriage. He is in the business of reconciliation and restoration. It isn’t too late. It never is.

I have already written about much of the wisdom shared with us that has played a significant part in making our marriage great, and I have avoided this topic for far too long. However, over and over again, I have seen the damage that an intimacy-starved marriage can cause. Here’s the deal: I don’t think we realize the power of SEX. Let’s be honest: as a young Christian, I can remember praying, “God, please don’t let me die before I get married and experience sex.” (Yeah-I just admitted that.) We knew it was a big deal. Far too often, though, we quickly let ‘life’ get in the way once we enter marriage.

Sex is about intimacy, and intimacy is a critical ingredient to a happy marriage. In my honest discussions with friends who have shared that they are struggling to feel connected to their spouse, I know what to ask….’ How’s your sex life?’…and, unfortunately, I know the answer. Almost always, sex is an area that has been deprived. Sure, there are always other things we can work on, too…but your sex life is a great place to start.

So here’s the deal: we overcomplicate this area of marriage. Here is a little insight into what I mean: You may have heard it said to men, ‘Sex starts in the morning.’ In other words, ‘Dear husband of mine, if you want a piece of this tonight, you better get to work in the morning.’  I say, BOLOGNA! Sex doesn’t start in the morning (I mean, it can, but…). What starts in the morning is morning breath, showers, breakfast, annoying alarms, bed head, teeth brushing, packing lunches, shuffling kids, and the list goes on. In other words, there are a BUNCH of things that need to happen at our house in the morning, but making my husband start working to ‘earn’ sex isn’t one of them.

That being said, husbands, yes, please woo your wives. Never stop doing it. Not because it will earn you anything, but because you love her and want to constantly communicate to her how wonderful she is. Wives, take the pressure off your guy. While we need to understand the power of sex, we also need to uncomplicate it. Just do it. Do it a lot. Do it when you're tired. Do it when you don’t feel like it. Do it when you’re super busy. Do it when it’s late. Regardless of the situation, do it! I have never thought, ‘Ugh, that was a waste of time.’ When we’re busy (which is all the time for most of us), when we’re tired, overwhelmed, and even annoyed, we still NEED intimacy in our marriages. God gave us a gift when he gave us sex. It isn’t just about how good it feels. It is about an intimacy made specifically for a husband and wife. It is not just for fun; it is like air…our marriages NEED it to thrive. It is not only the icing on the cake…it IS the cake. Go. Eat cake.

The bottom line: take the pressure off. Have fun with it. Learn to value ‘quickies.’ However it happens, make sure it happens. A lot. Am I repeating myself? That’s because it is THAT important.
So go on-walk up to your spouse, give them a little wink, pinch their butt, or do whatever you need to do to get some tonight…and tomorrow….and the next day….and the next day….just remember, even God rested on the 7th day.

One more piece of advice: just for fun, come up with a code and use it from time to time. David and I have a code-but it is our secret. For the sake of an anonymous example-we have some friends that decided to call it ‘peanut butter and jelly.’ One would text the other, ‘Do you want peanut butter and jelly tonight?’

So go get yourself a sandwich!

Oh, and for the record, despite what culture would have you believe...it was TOTALLY worth the wait!

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