Marriage Tip #17: Feelings Are Often Dumb

I literally thought about stopping at the title. It is so simple and so true. Feelings are often dumb.  If I lived a life based on my feelings, I would be eating coffee ice cream with Biscoff cookies RIGHT NOW. Ok fine. I just had coffee ice cream with Biscoff cookies… and it was DEE-LISH-OUS. I don’t regret a thing.

But the point is, our feelings can be dumb. They can lead us astray. They are responsible for all kinds of bad choices in our lives. Take, for example, the guys who felt  this was a good idea:


Barfy burger, anyone? 

I am not saying feelings are all bad.  God gave them to us. We just can't be led by them, especially in marriage. In the words of my good friends Boston (and by ‘good friends’ I, of course, mean nothing), love is ”More than a Feeling”. Love IS a choice.  I repeat….love IS NOT A FEELING. Love is a choice. I choose daily to love my husband, and at times, it is in spite of my feelings.  So many marriages are like roller-coaster rides because they are built on feelings, not love. 

This is such an important difference! In the traditional “feelings-based” marriage, when it's good...it's reeaaaalll good, and when it's bad...it's REAL bad. However, in my “love-based” (love as a choice, not a feeling) marriage, I am happy to say that when it's good...it's reeeeaaalll good, and when it's bad...it's REAL good. Still. 

Get off the roller coaster, people. You’ll get sick, and not in the fun way, in the barfy burger way.

Marriage Tip #16: Husband & Wife: Have Sex. Lots of Sex. Ya’ll. I mean LOTS.

I have debated writing this for a while, but I can’t ignore it anymore. Before I get into this, please know I am not a marriage expert (obviously). But I do have a wonderful marriage of 17 years (as of 2023). I know our experience is not like everyone’s, but I honestly wish it were. It is so great. However, if you are reading this and thinking, ‘Great is not a word I would use to describe my marriage,’…that’s ok because God believes in marriage. He is in the business of reconciliation and restoration. It isn’t too late. It never is.

I have already written about much of the wisdom shared with us that has played a significant part in making our marriage great, and I have avoided this topic for far too long. However, over and over again, I have seen the damage that an intimacy-starved marriage can cause. Here’s the deal: I don’t think we realize the power of SEX. Let’s be honest: as a young Christian, I can remember praying, “God, please don’t let me die before I get married and experience sex.” (Yeah-I just admitted that.) We knew it was a big deal. Far too often, though, we quickly let ‘life’ get in the way once we enter marriage.

Sex is about intimacy, and intimacy is a critical ingredient to a happy marriage. In my honest discussions with friends who have shared that they are struggling to feel connected to their spouse, I know what to ask….’ How’s your sex life?’…and, unfortunately, I know the answer. Almost always, sex is an area that has been deprived. Sure, there are always other things we can work on, too…but your sex life is a great place to start.

So here’s the deal: we overcomplicate this area of marriage. Here is a little insight into what I mean: You may have heard it said to men, ‘Sex starts in the morning.’ In other words, ‘Dear husband of mine, if you want a piece of this tonight, you better get to work in the morning.’  I say, BOLOGNA! Sex doesn’t start in the morning (I mean, it can, but…). What starts in the morning is morning breath, showers, breakfast, annoying alarms, bed head, teeth brushing, packing lunches, shuffling kids, and the list goes on. In other words, there are a BUNCH of things that need to happen at our house in the morning, but making my husband start working to ‘earn’ sex isn’t one of them.

That being said, husbands, yes, please woo your wives. Never stop doing it. Not because it will earn you anything, but because you love her and want to constantly communicate to her how wonderful she is. Wives, take the pressure off your guy. While we need to understand the power of sex, we also need to uncomplicate it. Just do it. Do it a lot. Do it when you're tired. Do it when you don’t feel like it. Do it when you’re super busy. Do it when it’s late. Regardless of the situation, do it! I have never thought, ‘Ugh, that was a waste of time.’ When we’re busy (which is all the time for most of us), when we’re tired, overwhelmed, and even annoyed, we still NEED intimacy in our marriages. God gave us a gift when he gave us sex. It isn’t just about how good it feels. It is about an intimacy made specifically for a husband and wife. It is not just for fun; it is like air…our marriages NEED it to thrive. It is not only the icing on the cake…it IS the cake. Go. Eat cake.

The bottom line: take the pressure off. Have fun with it. Learn to value ‘quickies.’ However it happens, make sure it happens. A lot. Am I repeating myself? That’s because it is THAT important.
So go on-walk up to your spouse, give them a little wink, pinch their butt, or do whatever you need to do to get some tonight…and tomorrow….and the next day….and the next day….just remember, even God rested on the 7th day.

One more piece of advice: just for fun, come up with a code and use it from time to time. David and I have a code-but it is our secret. For the sake of an anonymous example-we have some friends that decided to call it ‘peanut butter and jelly.’ One would text the other, ‘Do you want peanut butter and jelly tonight?’

So go get yourself a sandwich!

Oh, and for the record, despite what culture would have you believe...it was TOTALLY worth the wait!

**I LOVE READING COMMENTS-SO DON'T HESITATE!**

Tip #15: Trust Their Heart

This one is a biggie…and I *think* it might apply a bit more to us ladies than the dudes…BUT I could be wrong (it wouldn’t be the first or the last time). Anyways, allow me to elaborate.  I love my husband. You guys know that, right? He is a WONDERFUL man with millions of AMAZING qualities. However, time estimation is (definitely) not (at all) one of them (I mean, really like, really really).

What do I mean? Early in our marriage, David would tell me ‘about 20 minutes’, so I thought that meant….well….about 20 minutes. After about an hour, I would be mad (like, really mad). However, after almost 8 years of wonderful matrimony, I have figured out the trick. I multiply every time estimate made by my amazing husband by 3. When he says, ‘I will leave in 5 minutes’, I plan for 15. When he says, ‘it should take about 20 minutes’, I plan for an hour. When he says, ‘I will call you right back,’ I know there will be a call sometime in the indefinite future. Now, I COULD get mad at him for always being wrong. BUT HERE’S THE VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT POINT: I know, without a shadow of a doubt and with every ounce of my being, that he is not intending to mislead me. It is never his heart's desire to throw me off or deliberately underestimate the time involved in any activity. He is just.plain.bad at it.  

So, what’s the point? I trust his heart. I trust his intentions. As a result, I choose to adjust for him rather than allow myself to get upset about something entirely unintentional. 

So, is there something your husband (or wife) does that gets under your skin? Maybe rather than trying to change them, you could decide to trust their heart. Trust that they love you and while they may not be great at __________(insert frustration here), their heart is not to annoy you. Next time it comes up, rather than trying to change your spouse, change your response by not looking at the action but looking at the heart. 

Could David change? Yes. And for what it’s worth, he has tried. (But he’s still really bad at it). However, rather than waiting for him to miraculously become better at time estimation, I decided years ago to trust this wonderful man-of-mines’ heart.*  

*Disclaimer: This was read and approved by my husband prior to posting J

Tip #14 Stop and Listen

It is a fact that two people (or even more) can have completely different opinions on something and both be right. I recently came across an old cartoon that does a great job illustrating this point.  

In the drawing, the two people stand at opposite ends, arguing over what they see. I imagine this argument going on for some time because each person is so convinced they are correct they can’t imagine that what the other person is arguing could be true. Obviously, we can see the one scenario neither of them is considering. In reality, they are both correct.  

Situations like these happen in marriages all the time. We can get so focused on only what we see that we can’t imagine our spouse's perspective. Sometimes, all we need to do is stop arguing our point of view long enough to be able to see our spouses. 

One thing that has really helped in our marriage is having other couples we love and trust that we allow to speak wisdom into our lives. Sometimes, especially early on, when we were having trouble seeing something from the other person’s point of view, we would take our situation to those amazing friends and they would help us get a new perspective. One closer to what we see in this picture; is a “bird's eye view” that allows us to each see where the other one was coming from. I don’t know why we sometimes hear things from other people that we cannot hear from our spouse, but at least for us, I have often found it true.  

That being said, be careful when selecting who you talk to  Make sure it is someone who is ‘for’ your marriage. Someone who will speak life into your marriage, and that it doesn’t turn into a gossip session about your spouse.  

Some of the most influential people in our marriage were our friends K & R (I didn’t ask for permission, so I am just sharing their initials). They loved us and were for us. They wanted to see our marriage thrive and were an incredible resource for us as we learned to communicate better. I am so thankful for those friends and their voices in our marriage.  


There’s a quote that say,s “We often need to lose sight of our priorities in order to see them” (John Irving, Trying to Save Piggy Sneed).  I think it fits well here, sometime we have to stop fighting for our own personal priority to remember the bigger priority-the miracle of our marriage.  
As always, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.  That is what this site is about, feel free to share your insights as well! Thanks for reading!

Tip #13: Don't Play Tapes

This tip is yet another, straight from our amazing pre-marriage counseling. Don’t play tapes. I realize you might not understand what this means, but once you do, these words can radically change your marriage.

Playing tapes is what we do when we enter a situation already annoyed, bothered, upset, or angry because we think we know what to expect from past behavior. What do I mean? Let me elaborate. I had a friend who really struggled with anger.  Everyone knew we had to walk on eggshells around her because anything could set her off. However, one day, the Lord really convicted her about this issue, and she made a real effort to work on how she reacted to situations. She did great. We (the friends and family) did not. We still ‘expected’ the same old reactions, so when something happened, we were ready for action. We would play tapes and still treat her as if she was going to explode. It wasn’t fair, and it didn’t help. She wanted to be less angry, but it was almost as if we wouldn’t ‘let’ her change. We were so used to a certain reaction we almost pushed those reactions on her.  

This happens in marriages quite often as well. Here’s an example from our own marriage:  For a long time, David had a job with lots of flexibility. This meant that he would get off at different times each day. Then, he switched jobs. His new job has much more regular hours. However, mentally switching to the new schedule took me a while. For a couple weeks (ok, fine. a couple months...), I would call him and ask when he’d be home. This (understandably) became very frustrating for him, as he repeatedly explained that there would be no more early nights with his new schedule. The longer it took me to ‘get it,’ the more frustrated he got. (For the record, I don’t know why it took me so long to get this through my head. I guess because I was used to 7 years of the other pattern. I don’t know. It just did.)  The good news is, I did eventually get it. However, at that point, when I would call David close to ‘quittin’ time, he would answer, expecting me to ask when he was getting off and, as a result, would already be frustrated. So, I would call just to say hi or see how his day was, be met with immediate frustration from his ‘tapes,’ and we would both hang up mad.  

See what I mean? A good way to tell if you are playing tapes is to consider if you have situations in which you find yourself ‘pre-frustrated.’ Maybe your spouse is running late from work and you are annoyed before even getting an explanation because you think you know why. Or you spilled something in your husband's car and you are mad because of how you ‘think’ he will respond (personal experience, and he wasn’t even upset!)

Regardless of the situation, the truth remains the same. Don’t play tapes.  

Random side note-in a few years, people won’t even understand what that means! I.am.too.old. ugh. 

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Tip #12: Start a "Blessings Book"

While I think this tip is a FANTASTIC one, I have not done great at this. However, I am not naive enough to think that each of these tips is one-size-fits-all. Different personalities will respond to some better than others, and this tip might be just what someone needs to help them give them a new perspective.  

Back in college, I was a marketing major. I learned that customers are 11 times more likely to complain than they are to give a compliment. I remember thinking this is not great news for businesses, and this same concept can be not-so-great for our relationships, or more specifically, our marriages.  

Our Blessings Book

The truth is, we have probably all been guilty of focusing more on the negative than the positive things in life (and marriage) occasionally.  If this remains unchecked, we can quickly become a ‘Negative Nancy.’ You know what I am talking about. The kind of person who complains about every.little.thing. In marriage, this can spiral out of control very quickly. As a result, every now and then, we might need a little help getting our perspective back from...the dark side.  

So, what do we do?  Well, when it comes to marriage, I suggest you start a blessings book.  A ‘Blessings Book’ is a little journal that you keep to record the things you love about your spouse. (You don't have to call it a 'blessings book'; I just want you to get the idea. You can check out ours in the pic.)  It can be anything from major things they’ve done that have knocked your socks off to the little, unique things that make you love them. Then, if you ever find yourself in a season, or even just a moment, that you are beginning to feel like a Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, Sullen Sammy, Pessimistic Pete... (...Ok, so I may have gotten carried away a bit here), sitting down with this little book can help refocus your attention and thoughts on all the reasons why you love you awesome spouse.  

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Prayer-God, it is easy to get distracted by the wrong things. Please help me focus on all the wonderful things about my husband, not only today, but every day of our lives together. Amen! 

Tip #11: Say ‘I Love You’ with More Than Words

Ok, I realize this tip may not make you think, ‘Wow! Why haven’t I thought of that?!?’ In some ways, it may even seem somewhat obvious. However, though most folks have probably thought about this before, sometimes we need a gentle reminder to nudge us into action. Here is a said reminder:  

There is a saying that goes like this, “actions speak louder than words.” If you have breath in you, you have probably seen and felt the weighty truth of this statement. Don’t get me wrong, I love to hear my husband tell me he loves me, but I ALSO love to have my husband show me he loves me. The two work together in a unique symbiotic relationship. (Yes, I just googled that word to be sure I was using it correctly. Google says it means ‘having an interdependent relationship’ -yep- that’s what I was going for.) In other words, BOTH are of the utmost importance. Lacking in one can have a direct impact on the effectiveness of the other.  

It doesn't have to be some huge gesture. I am not saying you need to spend thousands of dollars on your spouse or plan elaborate events (although I am not opposed to either...if we only had thousands of dollars...) They can be very simple gestures that serve as simple reminders that love is a verb (DC Talk shout out!!).  

I will give you an example from my personal life. I am happy to say I have plenty because my husband is a rockstar in this area.  

Example #1: Every morning, I bring a 30oz tea and a 30oz coffee to work with me. Lately, when I have gone to the refrigerator to prepare my drinks, I have opened the door to this waiting for me:

The gesture may be small, but the impact is not. To use a phrase we are teaching our 2-year-old, ‘It makes my heart happy’....very happy. It is like an ‘I love you’ sitting right there in my refrigerator.  

So, I will wrap this post up by asking, what simple thing can you do today to make those 3 powerful little words have an even greater impact?

I would LOVE to read comments about simple ways you or your spouse have done this! That would also make my heart very happy.  

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Prayer-God, I love you. Thank you for my awesome hubs.  I pray that you would help me be aware of ways I can say I love you with more than my words today. And thank you most of all, for modeling this type of love! Amen!

Tip #10: Go to the Throne, Not the Phone

I remember very vividly where and when this tip came from. I will not give the source as I have not asked for permission, but I can tell you it came during a venting session about my future husband.  

At the time, I was engaged to be married to my wonderful, amazing, incredible husband, David. I didn’t know it then, but I had a little problem. Ok, a big problem. It was what I call ‘word vomiting.’   Word vomiting is when words seem to spill uncontrollably from your mouth. For the record, my husband is now and was then a wonderful man. However, I had this terrible habit of running my mouth whenever he did something to bug me or something I disagreed with. If I am being totally honest, and this hurts, I did this because I wanted people to tell me I was right...and he was wrong. The great and amazing thing was, in most cases, they did! In fact, somehow, all my stories seemed to make me look great! David, on the other hand, would often look more like an insensitive caveman. The reality is that ‘my version’ of what happened was always skewed in my favor. Ok, okay, maybe skewed is not a strong enough word. In other words, I strategically left out dumb or mean things I said but emphasized anything with a hint of those things that he said.  

This continued until one day, a wonderful woman from my church said, ‘Amy, I am going to tell you something someone once told me, ‘go to the throne, not the phone.’’  I remember kind of laughing at the time because it is a funny little saying. But the weight of this statement actually hit me like a ton of bricks. Too often, we take every little thing that happens ‘to the phone’ (aka anyone who will listen). In other words, if it bugs me that my husband always leaves the toilet seat up (which he does not because one of the advantages of marring a man who grew up with 3 older sisters who would not have tolerated that), I do not need to tell everyone who will listen how much it irritates me. Instead, if I need to talk, I talk to Jesus. The wonderful thing that happens when we replace the ‘phone’ with the ‘throne’ is things seem to shrink. See, the ‘phone’ (a.k .a. venting or word vomiting) can grow or escalate even the smallest issue. But the ‘Throne’ takes our focus off the issue and puts it on the solution- even when that solution is not in our spouse but in us.  

Ok, now that we have established that, I have one other important note: I am not saying that you can’t talk to anyone about things that come up in your marriage.   It is okay to have folks you trust and know will encourage and speak life into your marriage with whom you share things. In fact, even in situations like I mentioned earlier, you may have someone who can advise you on how to best handle it. However, the key word you are looking for is wise counsel. If the list of folks you talk to is more than a couple close, trusted friends or includes your friend ‘Facebook,' you are doing it wrong.  

If, after reading this, you realize you have the same problem I had, I want to strongly encourage you to put effort into hanging up the phone (in whatever way that applies to you) and getting to the throne.  I think you will see it will have a positive effect on your mindset about your marriage, which will translate into a positive effect on your actual marriage.  

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think!