Tip #13: Don't Play Tapes

This tip is yet another, straight from our amazing pre-marriage counseling. Don’t play tapes. I realize you might not understand what this means, but once you do, these words can radically change your marriage.

Playing tapes is what we do when we enter a situation already annoyed, bothered, upset, or angry because we think we know what to expect from past behavior. What do I mean? Let me elaborate. I had a friend who really struggled with anger.  Everyone knew we had to walk on eggshells around her because anything could set her off. However, one day, the Lord really convicted her about this issue, and she made a real effort to work on how she reacted to situations. She did great. We (the friends and family) did not. We still ‘expected’ the same old reactions, so when something happened, we were ready for action. We would play tapes and still treat her as if she was going to explode. It wasn’t fair, and it didn’t help. She wanted to be less angry, but it was almost as if we wouldn’t ‘let’ her change. We were so used to a certain reaction we almost pushed those reactions on her.  

This happens in marriages quite often as well. Here’s an example from our own marriage:  For a long time, David had a job with lots of flexibility. This meant that he would get off at different times each day. Then, he switched jobs. His new job has much more regular hours. However, mentally switching to the new schedule took me a while. For a couple weeks (ok, fine. a couple months...), I would call him and ask when he’d be home. This (understandably) became very frustrating for him, as he repeatedly explained that there would be no more early nights with his new schedule. The longer it took me to ‘get it,’ the more frustrated he got. (For the record, I don’t know why it took me so long to get this through my head. I guess because I was used to 7 years of the other pattern. I don’t know. It just did.)  The good news is, I did eventually get it. However, at that point, when I would call David close to ‘quittin’ time, he would answer, expecting me to ask when he was getting off and, as a result, would already be frustrated. So, I would call just to say hi or see how his day was, be met with immediate frustration from his ‘tapes,’ and we would both hang up mad.  

See what I mean? A good way to tell if you are playing tapes is to consider if you have situations in which you find yourself ‘pre-frustrated.’ Maybe your spouse is running late from work and you are annoyed before even getting an explanation because you think you know why. Or you spilled something in your husband's car and you are mad because of how you ‘think’ he will respond (personal experience, and he wasn’t even upset!)

Regardless of the situation, the truth remains the same. Don’t play tapes.  

Random side note-in a few years, people won’t even understand what that means! I.am.too.old. ugh. 

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