Tip #4: Never Say Never

This one comes straight from our amazing, incredible pre-marriage counseling. One of the things that he told us that has been monumentally useful is to avoid using words like ‘always’ or ‘never’ when having a disagreement. I know, I know, some of you are thinking, “This tip isn’t even useful because my spouse and I NEVER disagree.” Well, to you, I say, “Liar”. David and I have a wonderful marriage, but there are still occasions we don’t see eye to eye.


Early in our marriage, as we began learning to communicate (note: this process should never stop), we quickly saw how wise this advice was. It isn’t something we probably would have thought about without it being pointed out, so that is why I chose to share it here. In a conversation, when you make comments like “You never...” or “You always...” it automatically puts the other person on the defensive. Why? Because it is always never true. (I apologize for the poor grammar, but I was making a point.)  It may happen ‘often’ or ‘rarely,’ but odds are it doesn’t happen ‘always’ or ‘never’. It is destructive terminology, and when looking to resolve problems, that is not what you want.  

So, next time you are in a situation where resolution is the goal, remind yourself to never say never!

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Prayer: God, thank you for the gift of my husband.  Please help us continue to learn to communicate in a way that honors you. I also pray for hurting marriages. I ask that you help open up lines of communication between spouses and that in every disagreement, you would bring resolution. I love you! Amen! 

Tip #3: Hold Hands

Everyone agrees it is super cute when really old people hold hands.  Why? I think because it is very rare.  It is like seeing a mullet nowadays.  It doesn’t happen often, but you can’t look away when it does.  Why is it so rare? Let’s investigate...

I work with middle schoolers at church, and I LOVE LOVE it.  What I don’t love is seeing them ‘in relationships’ with one another.  I don’t like it because I have been doing this ministry thing long enough to pretty much know how it’s gonna end...and it is ugly.  I see fb posts like ‘Why does this hurt so bad’ and ‘</3’ (that's a broken heart symbol for all those who may be confused) ALL THE TIME! That being said, I would like to ask this question: why do the students in these relationships lasting a day to several months usually show more affection and passion for one another than those in a covenant of marriage together?  A place where passion and affection actually belong.  Yes, I realize that some of it is because they are young and don’t really know what to do with strong emotions (I hope you are not offended if you are reading this, guys. You know I love you!). Ultimately, though, they are trying to enjoy the benefits of marriage without the covenant- hence the fb posts. We, on the other hand, HAVE the benefit of the covenant, so why aren’t we enjoying all the perks?

As married folks, I think we can just get plain lazy about this.  Like I said in my earlier post, when we get married, God does something miraculous in the unseen.  He makes us one.  We cleave together (yup-cleave...it has 2 opposite definitions: to divide and to adhere). Our spirits are united, but sometimes I think we forget about the ‘outward’ connections.  There is something sweet, simple, and unifying about holding hands.  I don’t know what it is, but it is great! Don’t wait for a night set apart as a ‘date’ to take the opportunity. When you go grocery shopping, hold hands.  When you’re in the car, hold hands.  When you’re grabbing lunch at McDonalds, hold hands.  When you’re watching TV at home, hold hands. And my favorite, as you fall asleep, hold hands.  It is a simple act that can become significant if you allow it.  Married friends, let’s start showing these students that, in the right context, showing affection is a great privilege and doesn’t need to end in heartbreak.  In fact, when it is between a husband and wife, it can be a simple physical way to strengthen and encourage the bond that God has made between us.  

Alright, husband and wives, go hold hands! 

Prayer: Lord, thank you. Thank you for who you are in my marriage.  Thank you for blessing me with the best husband in the world.  I pray for me and those reading this that you would help us not get lazy about the 2nd most important relationship in our lives.  Remind us, God, of the passion that brought us together and help us to not take for granted even the simple benefits of being ‘one’. We love you! Amen.  

Tip #2: Greet Each Other with Excitement & Priority

Whenever you come together after a day of work (or whatever you are busy doing), make sure you first give each other at least a few moments of special attention.  

When David and I were dating, I ran out to greet him every time he showed up at my house...and I mean RAN. I wanted him to feel important and valued.  I wanted him to know I was excited to see him. As time passed and we got married, I am ashamed to say David began coming home to me sitting on the couch watching TV or on the computer. On most occasions, if I am honest, I wouldn't even turn it off.  At some point, David told me how much he missed me running out to greet him.  I didn’t even realize how much it meant to him while I was doing it.  

Once we became aware of how important it was, we again made it a priority to stop what we were doing and greet each other with a hug and a kiss.  Then we had kids. Without even realizing it, we, once again, stopped making each other a priority, but this time, it wasn’t the TV or computer that got our first attention- it was our boys. It wasn’t that we totally stopped greeting each other, we would just go to our boys first, then come to each other.  However, recently a friend of ours, Carla, and her family came to our house for dinner.  During the evening, we talked about little marriage tips that helped us along the way.  She shared with us that someone had advised them to make sure they made each other a priority-even over their kids.  

David and I both realized we had it backward. Don’t get me wrong; obviously, we still want our kids to feel important and loved, just not more important than each other.  This is one habit I think is particularly easy to slip into because of the overwhelming love God gives us for our kids.  But we must not forget our first love. (Ok, Jesus is our first love, but you see what I am saying here.) I strongly believe that one of the best parenting decisions we can make for our kids is to exemplify a healthy marriage.  Not greeting each other first is by no means a sign that our marriage is unhealthy.  On the other hand, greeting each other first is a sign to our kids that we are still thrilled to be with one another, and that, in my opinion, is a great gift to them.  

So whether you have kids or not, make it a habit to not let the things of this world, or even your kids, get in the way of making your spouse feel like the most important person on earth EVERY time you get the great honor of seeing them again.  Remember,  every moment is a gift. Take advantage of it.  

Prayer: You are Good! Thank you again for the miracle of marriage!  I pray that David and I never forget the first excitement we had for one another and that we are intentional about making each other aware that we still have that same excitement. I pray that also for those who read this post. Amen!

Tip #1: Go to Bed at the Same Time

This is a tip someone gave me just before David and I married. I remember thinking, ‘Huh, that seems like a good idea.’  So David and I discussed it and decided that when we got married, we would make it a habit to go to bed together. We quickly saw that it could easily get away from us, as we weren’t always tired at the same time, or one of us had a show we wanted to watch. Over the years, though, we have remained committed to doing this, regardless of all the excuses we could use not to, and I honestly think our marriage is stronger for it.  

It is so simple but so impactful. For most of us, our days are busy. We have all kinds of things that require our time and attention. Being committed to going to bed at the same time allows my husband and I to focus on each other every day. It is honestly my favorite part of every day. It gives us time to talk together, be silly, discuss our dreams, see what God is doing, pray, and all the other great things that marriage brings. 

I can’t remember where the tip came from. I wish I could so I can thank them. It has truly been a blessing in our marriage.  I hope if you haven’t already done this, you will try it, and it will be a blessing to you and your spouse, too! 

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the awesome gift of marriage! I p
ray that you will continue strengthening the marriage bond between David and me and those who read this post. More than any other, we trust our marriage to You. We know as the author and creator of marriage, there is absolutely no one better to turn to. Amen!