Tip #7: Keep Your ‘Buts’ to Yourself

Have you ever heard or said these words, “I’m sorry, but...” If you have, this post is for you.  

Even in the best marriages, we will, on occasion, hurt or offend one another. In those situations, the 2 little words, “I’m sorry,” can go a long way. However, we often ruin perfectly good apologies with silly addendums because we feel we need to explain or defend our position. If you have been on the receiving end of one of those sentences, you know the ‘but’ negates the ‘sorry.’  

Therefore, David and I have instituted a rule in our marriage (and I recommend you do too): When apologizing, keep your ‘buts’* to yourself. Say you're sorry, mean it, and leave it. Apologizing doesn’t necessarily mean you are saying you did something wrong. It simply means you are acknowledging the other person's feelings and regret hurting them....whether you meant to or not.  

(*IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t only keep your ‘buts’ to yourself, but any other creative way you may come up with to accomplish the same thing. Trust me, if you are used to your ‘buts,’ you will have difficulty giving them up and look for other methods of getting them in.) 

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Tip #6: Celebrate Together

As a couple, there are seasons of life that can get very busy. We have to deal with finances, communication, homes, jobs, kids, and plenty of other stuff. As a result, it is easy to focus on all the ‘needs’ of life. The people or things that need attention, the chores that need to be done, the bills that need to be paid, and on and on. The business can consume our lives by constantly ending up at the front of the line for our time and attention. However, I think it is important that we regularly find things to celebrate, even in the business of life.  

In other words, don’t wait for an anniversary to celebrate being married.  Don’t wait for a birthday to celebrate a life. Don’t wait for a holiday to make special family memories. Look for things to get excited about as a couple, then celebrate them. It doesn't have to be a major event. You got a raise at work, celebrate. You made it through a busy season. Celebrate. It can even be less obvious things...you caught a mouse that has been tormenting you, celebrate (personal experience). You finally figured out how to make the perfect cup of coffee and celebrate. My point is, it doesn’t have to be what most would consider ‘monumental’ to be a cause for a celebration. Good things come from taking time as a couple to not only notice but focus on, the good stuff in life-big or small.  

Prayer: God, we love you! I pray that you would help us to not only notice, but focus on the good things in our married life together. Amen!

Tip #5: Meet in the Middle

This tip comes from the man Himself, Jesus. (Like many of these tips, it was pointed out to us by our amazing pre-marriage counselor.) It is about forgiveness and it can be a toughie.  

We often think that that when we have been hurt by our spouse it is their responsibility to come to us and apologize.  While that is true (*see Matthew 5:23-24 below), it is not the whole story. Jesus also tells us that when someone has hurt us, we need to go to them. 

Matthew 18:15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.

As a result, whether you were the one who caused the offense or the one who was offended, you should be headed toward your spouse.  In an ideal scenario (which is the goal) you will end up meeting in the middle.  

Regardless of the side you are on, this is a challenging thing to do. I think it is our pride that most often gets in the way. When we are hurt, we feel we ‘deserve’ an apology. We have thoughts like, ‘Why should I have to...’ and stubbornly sit and wait for our spouse to come to us, or for some folks, we yell and demand what we feel we deserve. On the other hand, when we hurt our spouse, it is, more often than not, not intentional (at least, I hope this is a safe assumption). So, we end up feeling that we have nothing to apologize for because we think things like, ‘I didn’t mean to...’ or our spouse is being over-emotional or just plain ridiculous.  

However, those attitudes and thoughts end up making ‘mountains out of molehills.’ If we can learn to follow the teaching of Jesus when it comes to offense, we will see, as always, that He knows what he is talking about.  

About a week ago, David and I had a wonderful picture of this in our own marriage. I don’t remember the exact situation, but it had something to do with who got up with our boys. David was downstairs with Gavin and had come up to get me up/ask me to help. I guess the way he did it caused me to be offended. As I got ready, I (begrudgingly) realized he had a valid point. He is great about getting up with and feeding Gavin. I am rarely the person who does that. I realized this as I was putting on makeup.  So, I got up and headed downstairs to apologize. On the way, I met David on his way up. Before I could say a word, he apologized for possibly coming across harshly. I apologized for not being more helpful in the mornings. Right there, literally 1/2 between our up and down stairs, we met in the middle and started our day right.   We both smiled at the idea that we had physically seen this concept play out on our staircase.  

We are still working on it, but we are making great progress.  I highly recommend that folks in all marriages make this a goal they intentionally work towards. I believe it is one more reason we have such an incredible marriage.  

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Prayer: God, Thank you for who you are. Thank you for being the author and perfecter of my marriage.  I pray that when offense creeps in, you will continue to help David and I learn to swallow our pride and meet in the middle. Thank you for the work you have already done in us in this area. I pray that you will help those reading this see the value and significance of this important lesson. Love you! Amen! 

*Matt 5:23-24 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to that person; then come and offer your gift.”