Tip #18: Intentionally Create Traditions

This Christmas, I have been thinking quite a bit about traditions. I have always been a big believer in traditions. In my opinion, they can help create a sense of belonging and strengthen family bonds. Along these lines, I like to ask people about their family traditions. Occasionally, we have adopted a tradition that sounded fun and incorporated it into our own family.  

I think a misconception about traditions is that they will naturally happen. However, while some traditions may start unintentionally, they are kept alive by intention. Creating and maintaining traditions will take some work, but I think as your family grows and matures, you will be glad you were intentional in this way.

We have several Christmas traditions. Some that have stood the test of time (at least to date) are: 

• 
  Watching The Very First Noel on Christmas Eve with hot cocoa (a GREAT Christmas movie you can find here: https://watchthethreewisemen.com/. The copy I have is called The Very First Noel, but at some point it was rebranded as The Three Wisemen)
• Reading the Christmas story from Luke on Christmas Eve
• Spending a few days in a cabin at a tree farm
• Eating birthday cake for breakfast (to remember the birth of Jesus)
• Enjoying a slow Christmas morning: we wake up, enjoy breakfast (cake), and start opening gifts around 9 or 10a
• Making pizza from scratch on Christmas Eve
• Have Malay Curry for Christmas Dinner when our whole family gets together

Over the years, a few traditions have not made the cut. Give yourself grace for things you try that don't work or even things that stop working as the years go by. For example, we bought a special ornament every Christmas when we were first married. There were a few years that I forgot to get an ornament. At first, I was disappointed and a little annoyed. However, I decided to let it go. While it was a lovely tradition, for whatever reason, it felt more like a chore than a joy. 

There is nothing wrong with not having traditions, but they can be a really fun part of married and family life. If you don't have (m)any traditions, this Christmas is a great time to consider starting some! You can adopt some of ours or make your own. 

If you already have family traditions, I'd love for you to share them here! 

Story Time: "I Shot a Rabbit"

A while back I went to a youth ministry conference in Georgia with the rest of the youth staff.  On the last night, I had warned my hubby that worship would probably go long and not to be worried if I didn't call (because all those youth pastors in one place had to out-worship each other. :))  Anyways, I snuck out from the conference around 10p to call and say goodnight.  He told me he would be up for a while and to still call when we left.  So, I did.  Around midnight, we finally left the conference and headed to dinner at TGI Friday's.  I called the hubs again.  This time, he told me he was on the porch doing his quiet time and said to go ahead and call when we left.  I said, 'are you sure?  It will probably be pretty late?' and he said even if he was asleep, he would like me to call.  (I know, so sweet, right?)  
So I call when we leave around 1:30a.  No answer.  No big deal.  If you know David you know he could sleep through a mortar attack on our home.  After a few minutes, I figure I will try one more time.  This time he answers, and he sounds sleepy.  I say, 'did I wake you?' He hesitantly says, 'Yes'.  I say, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I will let you get back to bed'.  We say good night and that's that.  A few minutes later I get a call back.   
Me: Hello?
Hubs: Hey Babe.  (he sounds weird)
Me: Hey. What's up?
Hubs: I lied to you.  I don't know why, but I lied.  I feel so bad.  I am really sorry.  It is so dumb... 
At this point, he goes on and on about lying to me and my heart begins to race.  I am driving a car with my boss, his wife, his kids, and my co-worker and I am thinking my husband is about to confess some deep hidden sin.  Finally I interrupt.  'What is it?!  Just tell me?' and I brace myself for impact.  From the other side of the phone I hear a sheepish, 'I shot a rabbit.' 
Me: What?
Hubs: I shot a rabbit
Relief and confusion sweep over me.
Me: What are you talking about?
Hubs: I was sitting on the porch doing my quiet time and I saw a rabbit down by the barn.  I thought I would get my gun and take a shot.  I never thought I would actually get it, but I did.  When you called I was watching a youtube video on how to skin it.  I don't know why, but I thought you'd be mad, so I lied.   
At this point I begin to laugh at the randomness of it all.  I tell him that he shouldn't have lied, but as far as lies go, I was glad it was just about a rabbit.   
Now, when one of us does something that we don't want to necessarily tell the other person, like when I lost my debit and credit card in the same week and was at the bank trying to secretly replace them and David called to ask what I was doing, we simply say 'I shot a rabbit.'
Dear David,
We're having rabbit stew tonight.  
Love,
Your relieved wife

More on the Subject of Sex in Marriag

Let’s talk about sex. If you are a child of the 80s (like yours truly), this might instinctively make you think of Salt N Pepa.  ~Let’s talk about sex, bae-be, Let’s talk about you and me, Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be…~

…anyways…
If you know me, you know this is a subject I am passionate about (pun intended). But seriously, I talk about it as much as I can. Why? Well, because I don’t think we (“we” being Christians) talk about it enough. On that note, there are 2 more things about sex that I feel need some highlighting. I will focus on one now and post the other later.

I have learned something. If you want your blog to get some hits, try talking about sex. Seriously. I mean it. The single most popular blog post I have written is “Marriage Tip # 16: Have Sex. Lots of Sex. Ya’ll. I mean LOTS.”  I’ve thought a lot about what makes it so popular, and here are my suspicions-
I have found that one of the more popular audiences for my post about sex is college students (yeah, I see you. I know you’re reading this. If only you would read your textbooks like you read these posts about sex…).  I suppose it’s partly because they find it a bit amusing that a professor at a conservative Christian college and former youth pastor would talk so frankly about sex. But I think there is also something more. I think young people- or perhaps just people- have a natural curiosity about sex, and the unfortunate reality is that most of what the Internet has to offer on the subject is GARBAGE like STINKY AWFUL ROTTEN G-A-R-B-A-G-E.

I believe that sex is meant for marriage (certainly NOT a popular internet idea). However, we have some problems with what we communicate about sex in marriage. The prevailing perception about sex in marriage is that it is dull and infrequent. If you watch TV, read comics, or even listen to friendly banter, you will often hear this sentiment communicated. We need to stop feeding the bleak narrative of sex in marriage, especially in Godly marriage! Listen, I do not want to ‘awaken’ anything before its time, BUT in our sex-saturated world, if we are trying to tell young Christians to wait, we need to make sure they know it is worth waiting for! 
Sex in marriage is extraordinary and frequent if we make the choice for it to be! We have 2 full-time jobs, 4 kids, a dog, and plenty of things vying for our time, but we prioritize this because we recognize that if we believe God created sex for marriage, it must be VITALLY important. In our experience, we have seen this be truuuueeee over and over again. With busy lives, it doesn’t happen by accident. We are INTENTIONAL about it.  We’ve now been married 11 years and it is still a HUGE part of our married life and was TOTALLY UNEQUIVICLY AND ABSOLUTELY worth the wait!  We need to stop feeding the idea that sex dies in marriage and start communicating that in God’s design for marriage, sex is alive and well!

The Lie and the Truth about "The Lie and the Truth About Marriage"

There is a popular blog about marriage titled “Lie and the Truth about Marriage.” While I appreciate the perspective in this article, I get sad when I read articles that make it sound like this ‘reality’ is what everyone can expect in marriage. (Perhaps this wasn’t the intention, but I feel like the title implies it is.)  Maybe we haven’t been married long enough, but our experience has been nothing like this.  
Among other things, the author states, 
“Slowly understand that marriage is not what you thought it would be and your husband is not who you thought he’d be and additionally you are not who you thought you’d be” and “Understand with mounting dread that LIFE has killed the butterflies and this must mean you have ‘fallen out of love.’”  
Again, there is value in sharing these experiences because others going through the same thing can get a sense of hope, and I mean no disrespect to the author. However, I feel like for those headed toward the altar, this paints a pretty grim picture of what they can look forward to. Not all marriages are like the one described in this blog. In fact, that is largely why I started my blog. I personally think there are too many articles devoted to revealing some sort of dismal 'truth' about marriage swirling around the Internet and not enough to shine a light on the alternative.  
Don't get me wrong. I don’t think amazing marriages come naturally. Our marriage is awesome because we constantly and unashamedly pay attention to it. We are so much more than best friends. We are madly, deeply, passionately, and crazy in love with each other and have been every day for 8+ years. I have never had the experiences mentioned in this blog, and contrary to what it seems the author would have us believe, I don’t think this is our destiny.  
I believe God made marriage, and He happens to be pretty good at designing things that work. It doesn’t have to be a disaster. If it is, praise the Lord that there is hope (and I do genuinely think that is the noble goal of the blog I referenced-though I disagree with the delivery). But if you are a newlywed, or headed toward the altar, please don’t buy into the lie that this: 
“Sit with the pain. Sit with the struggle. Sit with the uncertainty. Resist the relentless urge to deflect the pain, run from the pain, numb the pain with food- booze -work –future tripping- unkindness- false certainty -busyness or any other Wisdom Killer…” 
...will define your marriage. Instead, believe that the next 8+ years of your life will be better than you ever hoped or imagined.  It will exceed every expectation you may have had. Believe it will be the best gift God ever gives you-it has been for us!

I hate Santa, Halloween, & the Easter Bunny

Just kidding! I don’t hate them. But we don’t do Santa. Or Halloween. Or the Easter Bunny. We only listen to Christian music. And, to top it off, I believe strongly in modesty and have some thoughts on what that means. I can hear your wheels spinning. Many reading this are already preparing their response to tell me why all these things are okay. SIMMER DOWN. Gimme a second and read on. 

While these are the prayerful choices my husband and I have made, I know many wonderful Christian families who do Santa, Halloween and the Easter Bunny.  I know some that listen to *gasp* ‘secular’ music.  I even know many wonderful Christians who think bikinis are modest....yes, bikinis! And, believe it or not, they LOVE Jesus!

Here’s the kicker. It is OK. I am no super Christian and neither are they. In fact, the ‘Super Christian’ myth is one of the most damaging of our generation (in my opinion). There is no such thing. We are all just people, unlovable, yet loved by God.   We all have things we are good at, but being a Christian isn’t one of them. It isn’t a competition.  

I am NOT saying everything is relative. I DO NOT believe in 'anything goes' Christianity. However, I DO think we can agree to disagree on some things. To accomplish this, we must be ok with hearing from our brothers and sisters in Christ. We must be able to LISTEN without immediately formulating the defense for our position (like you might be doing now).  We must be able to not take every opinion and thought as a personal attack. I love reading from other believers about why they have chosen to do or not do Santa. I love reading from brothers and sisters about why they think skinny jeans are, or are not, ok. I am not offended by it. I am glad we are all trying to figure it out. And I am thrilled we have the awesome opportunity to share our journey and lessons along the way.

On this side of heaven, we will have things we disagree on. It’s OK! Simmer down. Simmah-don-nah.

*This is obviously not a marriage yip, though it could apply to marriage. I have written a few marriage posts that relate. You could check out Stop and Listen, which has a similar tone. 
Also, would LOVE to hear your comments here!!! I am willing to beg-but I would rather not.   

Marriage Tip #17: Feelings Are Often Dumb

I literally thought about stopping at the title. It is so simple and so true. Feelings are often dumb.  If I lived a life based on my feelings, I would be eating coffee ice cream with Biscoff cookies RIGHT NOW. Ok fine. I just had coffee ice cream with Biscoff cookies… and it was DEE-LISH-OUS. I don’t regret a thing.

But the point is, our feelings can be dumb. They can lead us astray. They are responsible for all kinds of bad choices in our lives. Take, for example, the guys who felt  this was a good idea:


Barfy burger, anyone? 

I am not saying feelings are all bad.  God gave them to us. We just can't be led by them, especially in marriage. In the words of my good friends Boston (and by ‘good friends’ I, of course, mean nothing), love is ”More than a Feeling”. Love IS a choice.  I repeat….love IS NOT A FEELING. Love is a choice. I choose daily to love my husband, and at times, it is in spite of my feelings.  So many marriages are like roller-coaster rides because they are built on feelings, not love. 

This is such an important difference! In the traditional “feelings-based” marriage, when it's good...it's reeaaaalll good, and when it's bad...it's REAL bad. However, in my “love-based” (love as a choice, not a feeling) marriage, I am happy to say that when it's good...it's reeeeaaalll good, and when it's bad...it's REAL good. Still. 

Get off the roller coaster, people. You’ll get sick, and not in the fun way, in the barfy burger way.

Marriage Tip #16: Husband & Wife: Have Sex. Lots of Sex. Ya’ll. I mean LOTS.

I have debated writing this for a while, but I can’t ignore it anymore. Before I get into this, please know I am not a marriage expert (obviously). But I do have a wonderful marriage of 17 years (as of 2023). I know our experience is not like everyone’s, but I honestly wish it were. It is so great. However, if you are reading this and thinking, ‘Great is not a word I would use to describe my marriage,’…that’s ok because God believes in marriage. He is in the business of reconciliation and restoration. It isn’t too late. It never is.

I have already written about much of the wisdom shared with us that has played a significant part in making our marriage great, and I have avoided this topic for far too long. However, over and over again, I have seen the damage that an intimacy-starved marriage can cause. Here’s the deal: I don’t think we realize the power of SEX. Let’s be honest: as a young Christian, I can remember praying, “God, please don’t let me die before I get married and experience sex.” (Yeah-I just admitted that.) We knew it was a big deal. Far too often, though, we quickly let ‘life’ get in the way once we enter marriage.

Sex is about intimacy, and intimacy is a critical ingredient to a happy marriage. In my honest discussions with friends who have shared that they are struggling to feel connected to their spouse, I know what to ask….’ How’s your sex life?’…and, unfortunately, I know the answer. Almost always, sex is an area that has been deprived. Sure, there are always other things we can work on, too…but your sex life is a great place to start.

So here’s the deal: we overcomplicate this area of marriage. Here is a little insight into what I mean: You may have heard it said to men, ‘Sex starts in the morning.’ In other words, ‘Dear husband of mine, if you want a piece of this tonight, you better get to work in the morning.’  I say, BOLOGNA! Sex doesn’t start in the morning (I mean, it can, but…). What starts in the morning is morning breath, showers, breakfast, annoying alarms, bed head, teeth brushing, packing lunches, shuffling kids, and the list goes on. In other words, there are a BUNCH of things that need to happen at our house in the morning, but making my husband start working to ‘earn’ sex isn’t one of them.

That being said, husbands, yes, please woo your wives. Never stop doing it. Not because it will earn you anything, but because you love her and want to constantly communicate to her how wonderful she is. Wives, take the pressure off your guy. While we need to understand the power of sex, we also need to uncomplicate it. Just do it. Do it a lot. Do it when you're tired. Do it when you don’t feel like it. Do it when you’re super busy. Do it when it’s late. Regardless of the situation, do it! I have never thought, ‘Ugh, that was a waste of time.’ When we’re busy (which is all the time for most of us), when we’re tired, overwhelmed, and even annoyed, we still NEED intimacy in our marriages. God gave us a gift when he gave us sex. It isn’t just about how good it feels. It is about an intimacy made specifically for a husband and wife. It is not just for fun; it is like air…our marriages NEED it to thrive. It is not only the icing on the cake…it IS the cake. Go. Eat cake.

The bottom line: take the pressure off. Have fun with it. Learn to value ‘quickies.’ However it happens, make sure it happens. A lot. Am I repeating myself? That’s because it is THAT important.
So go on-walk up to your spouse, give them a little wink, pinch their butt, or do whatever you need to do to get some tonight…and tomorrow….and the next day….and the next day….just remember, even God rested on the 7th day.

One more piece of advice: just for fun, come up with a code and use it from time to time. David and I have a code-but it is our secret. For the sake of an anonymous example-we have some friends that decided to call it ‘peanut butter and jelly.’ One would text the other, ‘Do you want peanut butter and jelly tonight?’

So go get yourself a sandwich!

Oh, and for the record, despite what culture would have you believe...it was TOTALLY worth the wait!

**I LOVE READING COMMENTS-SO DON'T HESITATE!**