Tip #11: Say ‘I Love You’ with More Than Words

Ok, I realize this tip may not make you think, ‘Wow! Why haven’t I thought of that?!?’ In some ways, it may even seem somewhat obvious. However, though most folks have probably thought about this before, sometimes we need a gentle reminder to nudge us into action. Here is a said reminder:  

There is a saying that goes like this, “actions speak louder than words.” If you have breath in you, you have probably seen and felt the weighty truth of this statement. Don’t get me wrong, I love to hear my husband tell me he loves me, but I ALSO love to have my husband show me he loves me. The two work together in a unique symbiotic relationship. (Yes, I just googled that word to be sure I was using it correctly. Google says it means ‘having an interdependent relationship’ -yep- that’s what I was going for.) In other words, BOTH are of the utmost importance. Lacking in one can have a direct impact on the effectiveness of the other.  

It doesn't have to be some huge gesture. I am not saying you need to spend thousands of dollars on your spouse or plan elaborate events (although I am not opposed to either...if we only had thousands of dollars...) They can be very simple gestures that serve as simple reminders that love is a verb (DC Talk shout out!!).  

I will give you an example from my personal life. I am happy to say I have plenty because my husband is a rockstar in this area.  

Example #1: Every morning, I bring a 30oz tea and a 30oz coffee to work with me. Lately, when I have gone to the refrigerator to prepare my drinks, I have opened the door to this waiting for me:

The gesture may be small, but the impact is not. To use a phrase we are teaching our 2-year-old, ‘It makes my heart happy’....very happy. It is like an ‘I love you’ sitting right there in my refrigerator.  

So, I will wrap this post up by asking, what simple thing can you do today to make those 3 powerful little words have an even greater impact?

I would LOVE to read comments about simple ways you or your spouse have done this! That would also make my heart very happy.  

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Prayer-God, I love you. Thank you for my awesome hubs.  I pray that you would help me be aware of ways I can say I love you with more than my words today. And thank you most of all, for modeling this type of love! Amen!

Tip #10: Go to the Throne, Not the Phone

I remember very vividly where and when this tip came from. I will not give the source as I have not asked for permission, but I can tell you it came during a venting session about my future husband.  

At the time, I was engaged to be married to my wonderful, amazing, incredible husband, David. I didn’t know it then, but I had a little problem. Ok, a big problem. It was what I call ‘word vomiting.’   Word vomiting is when words seem to spill uncontrollably from your mouth. For the record, my husband is now and was then a wonderful man. However, I had this terrible habit of running my mouth whenever he did something to bug me or something I disagreed with. If I am being totally honest, and this hurts, I did this because I wanted people to tell me I was right...and he was wrong. The great and amazing thing was, in most cases, they did! In fact, somehow, all my stories seemed to make me look great! David, on the other hand, would often look more like an insensitive caveman. The reality is that ‘my version’ of what happened was always skewed in my favor. Ok, okay, maybe skewed is not a strong enough word. In other words, I strategically left out dumb or mean things I said but emphasized anything with a hint of those things that he said.  

This continued until one day, a wonderful woman from my church said, ‘Amy, I am going to tell you something someone once told me, ‘go to the throne, not the phone.’’  I remember kind of laughing at the time because it is a funny little saying. But the weight of this statement actually hit me like a ton of bricks. Too often, we take every little thing that happens ‘to the phone’ (aka anyone who will listen). In other words, if it bugs me that my husband always leaves the toilet seat up (which he does not because one of the advantages of marring a man who grew up with 3 older sisters who would not have tolerated that), I do not need to tell everyone who will listen how much it irritates me. Instead, if I need to talk, I talk to Jesus. The wonderful thing that happens when we replace the ‘phone’ with the ‘throne’ is things seem to shrink. See, the ‘phone’ (a.k .a. venting or word vomiting) can grow or escalate even the smallest issue. But the ‘Throne’ takes our focus off the issue and puts it on the solution- even when that solution is not in our spouse but in us.  

Ok, now that we have established that, I have one other important note: I am not saying that you can’t talk to anyone about things that come up in your marriage.   It is okay to have folks you trust and know will encourage and speak life into your marriage with whom you share things. In fact, even in situations like I mentioned earlier, you may have someone who can advise you on how to best handle it. However, the key word you are looking for is wise counsel. If the list of folks you talk to is more than a couple close, trusted friends or includes your friend ‘Facebook,' you are doing it wrong.  

If, after reading this, you realize you have the same problem I had, I want to strongly encourage you to put effort into hanging up the phone (in whatever way that applies to you) and getting to the throne.  I think you will see it will have a positive effect on your mindset about your marriage, which will translate into a positive effect on your actual marriage.  

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Tip #9: Be Silly

How’s your face? Ok, I realize that question may need a bit more explanation. Allow me to elaborate. Laughing is defined as making spontaneous sounds and movements of the face and body that are the instinctive expressions of lively amusement. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 15:13a - "A happy heart makes the face cheerful.” So, in the context of your marriage, I ask again, ‘How’s your face?’

This is one of my favorite tips because it is one of my favorite parts of our marriage! How often do you and your spouse laugh together?

Do you often have movements of your face that are instinctive of amusement? If your answer is anything less than daily, I would say you need to work on it. David has always cracked me up. In fact, I would say he is hilarious, although I will admit I am easy to amuse. In our marriage, it is not uncommon for us to laugh so hard we cry. 

David and I love to be silly together. In fact, we joke that if people saw how silly we can be in private, we would have no friends. What do I mean by silly? Well...here are a few examples: 

1. We have competitions to see who can hold their breath longer. Why? I have no idea. The one who loses is usually the first to laugh...not breathe. 
2. We actually practice the dances we will use to embarrass our kids one day. Yup. The level of ridiculous we are going for takes work.  
3. We play king of the bed. This is a game in which you fight to stay on the bed. David obviously has a strength advantage. I am quick like a bunny-and not afraid to fight a little dirty if it helps me win. We have a strict ‘no tickling’ rule because tickling renders me completely defenseless and let’s face it-I need any advantage I can get. David, however, does not. 
4. A final example: as I was writing this blog, I told my hubs I was out of tea. If you know me, you know this is like being out of air. Anyways, he responded by very dramatically crumbling to the floor while saying, ‘noooooooooo’ ending up in the fetal position with a spoon in his mouth. Cracked. Me. Up. This is what I am talking about people.  

I realize that not everyone will be silly in the same way we are. Regardless of the method, ways to laugh and have fun together. Life can have its challenges. Work can be tricky, finances are sometimes challenging, and life is not always a breeze. Laughter breeds fun. Laughter breeds life. Laughter breeds joy. Healthy and happy marriages cannot have too many of those things!

Get Silly!

Prayer-God, thank you for who you are in my life and our marriage.  Thank you for my wonderful husband and for the gift of laughter.  I pray that you would help add joy to the lives and marriages of those who read this. Amen!

Tip #8: Speak Words of Life

As David and I prepared to get married, we were shocked at all the negativity we encountered. Much of it was done in an attempt at humor, but I rarely remember folks saying, 'I am so excited for you! You are in for the best time of your life!’  (It happened on occasion...but not nearly as often as it should have.) There were far more comments along the ‘Get ready to give up your freedom’ or ‘Are you sure you are ready for the ol’ ball and chain?’ lines. There is even a ‘you just wait...’ mentality associated with great marriages. People tell us all the time we haven’t been married long enough for it to get hard, or bad, or whatever.

It is crazy. And frustrating. And just plain sad.  

I have found that there aren’t too many people who speak very positively about marriage, and I think that is CRAZY! I LOVE being married. Are you kidding me?! I get to hang out with my best friend all the time! We laugh, we play, we dream, we talk...it is awesome! Are there ever bumps? Sure, but they are few and far between and pale compared to all the greatness of marriage. Besides, there are bumps in any relationship. So, if my expectation of a great marriage means we NEVER have less-than-great moments...it probably means we are both dead. Great marriages are not perfect marriages. They are just marriages that focus on ALL THE GREAT THINGS rather than the minor hiccups along the way. 

So today's tip is about changing this mentality...one marriage at a time. Rather than speaking ‘death’ over marriages, even jokingly, speak life! Speak words of encouragement, joy, and peace over marriage in general and, more specifically, your marriage.  

Do the same for your spouse. Look for opportunities to ‘brag’ about them. Not only does it build them up it also helps to remind you of how great they are. Don’t just do it in conversations with each other but with other people.  

Ask yourself this: If all someone knew of your marriage were the words that came from your mouth, what would they think? If it is bad, change it. If it is good, make it great! If it is great, keep it up! 

Tip #7: Keep Your ‘Buts’ to Yourself

Have you ever heard or said these words, “I’m sorry, but...” If you have, this post is for you.  

Even in the best marriages, we will, on occasion, hurt or offend one another. In those situations, the 2 little words, “I’m sorry,” can go a long way. However, we often ruin perfectly good apologies with silly addendums because we feel we need to explain or defend our position. If you have been on the receiving end of one of those sentences, you know the ‘but’ negates the ‘sorry.’  

Therefore, David and I have instituted a rule in our marriage (and I recommend you do too): When apologizing, keep your ‘buts’* to yourself. Say you're sorry, mean it, and leave it. Apologizing doesn’t necessarily mean you are saying you did something wrong. It simply means you are acknowledging the other person's feelings and regret hurting them....whether you meant to or not.  

(*IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t only keep your ‘buts’ to yourself, but any other creative way you may come up with to accomplish the same thing. Trust me, if you are used to your ‘buts,’ you will have difficulty giving them up and look for other methods of getting them in.) 

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Tip #6: Celebrate Together

As a couple, there are seasons of life that can get very busy. We have to deal with finances, communication, homes, jobs, kids, and plenty of other stuff. As a result, it is easy to focus on all the ‘needs’ of life. The people or things that need attention, the chores that need to be done, the bills that need to be paid, and on and on. The business can consume our lives by constantly ending up at the front of the line for our time and attention. However, I think it is important that we regularly find things to celebrate, even in the business of life.  

In other words, don’t wait for an anniversary to celebrate being married.  Don’t wait for a birthday to celebrate a life. Don’t wait for a holiday to make special family memories. Look for things to get excited about as a couple, then celebrate them. It doesn't have to be a major event. You got a raise at work, celebrate. You made it through a busy season. Celebrate. It can even be less obvious things...you caught a mouse that has been tormenting you, celebrate (personal experience). You finally figured out how to make the perfect cup of coffee and celebrate. My point is, it doesn’t have to be what most would consider ‘monumental’ to be a cause for a celebration. Good things come from taking time as a couple to not only notice but focus on, the good stuff in life-big or small.  

Prayer: God, we love you! I pray that you would help us to not only notice, but focus on the good things in our married life together. Amen!

Tip #5: Meet in the Middle

This tip comes from the man Himself, Jesus. (Like many of these tips, it was pointed out to us by our amazing pre-marriage counselor.) It is about forgiveness and it can be a toughie.  

We often think that that when we have been hurt by our spouse it is their responsibility to come to us and apologize.  While that is true (*see Matthew 5:23-24 below), it is not the whole story. Jesus also tells us that when someone has hurt us, we need to go to them. 

Matthew 18:15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.

As a result, whether you were the one who caused the offense or the one who was offended, you should be headed toward your spouse.  In an ideal scenario (which is the goal) you will end up meeting in the middle.  

Regardless of the side you are on, this is a challenging thing to do. I think it is our pride that most often gets in the way. When we are hurt, we feel we ‘deserve’ an apology. We have thoughts like, ‘Why should I have to...’ and stubbornly sit and wait for our spouse to come to us, or for some folks, we yell and demand what we feel we deserve. On the other hand, when we hurt our spouse, it is, more often than not, not intentional (at least, I hope this is a safe assumption). So, we end up feeling that we have nothing to apologize for because we think things like, ‘I didn’t mean to...’ or our spouse is being over-emotional or just plain ridiculous.  

However, those attitudes and thoughts end up making ‘mountains out of molehills.’ If we can learn to follow the teaching of Jesus when it comes to offense, we will see, as always, that He knows what he is talking about.  

About a week ago, David and I had a wonderful picture of this in our own marriage. I don’t remember the exact situation, but it had something to do with who got up with our boys. David was downstairs with Gavin and had come up to get me up/ask me to help. I guess the way he did it caused me to be offended. As I got ready, I (begrudgingly) realized he had a valid point. He is great about getting up with and feeding Gavin. I am rarely the person who does that. I realized this as I was putting on makeup.  So, I got up and headed downstairs to apologize. On the way, I met David on his way up. Before I could say a word, he apologized for possibly coming across harshly. I apologized for not being more helpful in the mornings. Right there, literally 1/2 between our up and down stairs, we met in the middle and started our day right.   We both smiled at the idea that we had physically seen this concept play out on our staircase.  

We are still working on it, but we are making great progress.  I highly recommend that folks in all marriages make this a goal they intentionally work towards. I believe it is one more reason we have such an incredible marriage.  

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Prayer: God, Thank you for who you are. Thank you for being the author and perfecter of my marriage.  I pray that when offense creeps in, you will continue to help David and I learn to swallow our pride and meet in the middle. Thank you for the work you have already done in us in this area. I pray that you will help those reading this see the value and significance of this important lesson. Love you! Amen! 

*Matt 5:23-24 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to that person; then come and offer your gift.”