Tip #14 Stop and Listen

It is a fact that two people (or even more) can have completely different opinions on something and both be right. I recently came across an old cartoon that does a great job illustrating this point.  

In the drawing, the two people stand at opposite ends, arguing over what they see. I imagine this argument going on for some time because each person is so convinced they are correct they can’t imagine that what the other person is arguing could be true. Obviously, we can see the one scenario neither of them is considering. In reality, they are both correct.  

Situations like these happen in marriages all the time. We can get so focused on only what we see that we can’t imagine our spouse's perspective. Sometimes, all we need to do is stop arguing our point of view long enough to be able to see our spouses. 

One thing that has really helped in our marriage is having other couples we love and trust that we allow to speak wisdom into our lives. Sometimes, especially early on, when we were having trouble seeing something from the other person’s point of view, we would take our situation to those amazing friends and they would help us get a new perspective. One closer to what we see in this picture; is a “bird's eye view” that allows us to each see where the other one was coming from. I don’t know why we sometimes hear things from other people that we cannot hear from our spouse, but at least for us, I have often found it true.  

That being said, be careful when selecting who you talk to  Make sure it is someone who is ‘for’ your marriage. Someone who will speak life into your marriage, and that it doesn’t turn into a gossip session about your spouse.  

Some of the most influential people in our marriage were our friends K & R (I didn’t ask for permission, so I am just sharing their initials). They loved us and were for us. They wanted to see our marriage thrive and were an incredible resource for us as we learned to communicate better. I am so thankful for those friends and their voices in our marriage.  


There’s a quote that say,s “We often need to lose sight of our priorities in order to see them” (John Irving, Trying to Save Piggy Sneed).  I think it fits well here, sometime we have to stop fighting for our own personal priority to remember the bigger priority-the miracle of our marriage.  
As always, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.  That is what this site is about, feel free to share your insights as well! Thanks for reading!

Story Time: Honey Do(n't

Our first home was a "fixer-upper." Some of the work we did included: replacing the flooring, remodeling the kitchen, painting every.stinkin.wall, smoothing the ceilings (that one got me a trip to the hospital and concussion...but I digress), and more. We also changed out every ceiling light and fan in the house. And by 'we,' I mostly mean ‘me.’ Of the 6 fans in the house, I replaced 5 of them with the help of my mom. The one fan I did not do was the fan in our master bedroom. This fan was left on the 'honey-do' list.

So, my honey did it.

Fast forward down the road and imagine waking up from a peaceful (pre-children) sleep to a very loud explosion in the middle of the night! We shot straight up in bed, completely startled and discombobulated. We both see what appears, in the dark, to be smoke, and David yells, 'Fire!' Obviously, this creates even more panic, and we frantically fumble to get out of bed. A few seconds later, we realize what has happened. The only fan to be installed, not by me, had fallen from the ceiling onto our bed. The 'smoke' was (embarrassingly) just a bunch of dust from the fan (don't judge me), and the 'explosion' was just the noise of the fan hitting our bed and then the floor.

I would like to take a moment to re-reiterate who had had installed the fan-David. Not me. My fans are all still securely hanging from the ceilings.

The more I write these, the more I realize they often include me thinking, even if for just a moment, I am going to die...

Dear David,

Let's leave the fan installations to your wifey. Mkay? Thanks.

Sincerely,
Your better-at-installing-fans-than-you wife

Tip #13: Don't Play Tapes

This tip is yet another, straight from our amazing pre-marriage counseling. Don’t play tapes. I realize you might not understand what this means, but once you do, these words can radically change your marriage.

Playing tapes is what we do when we enter a situation already annoyed, bothered, upset, or angry because we think we know what to expect from past behavior. What do I mean? Let me elaborate. I had a friend who really struggled with anger.  Everyone knew we had to walk on eggshells around her because anything could set her off. However, one day, the Lord really convicted her about this issue, and she made a real effort to work on how she reacted to situations. She did great. We (the friends and family) did not. We still ‘expected’ the same old reactions, so when something happened, we were ready for action. We would play tapes and still treat her as if she was going to explode. It wasn’t fair, and it didn’t help. She wanted to be less angry, but it was almost as if we wouldn’t ‘let’ her change. We were so used to a certain reaction we almost pushed those reactions on her.  

This happens in marriages quite often as well. Here’s an example from our own marriage:  For a long time, David had a job with lots of flexibility. This meant that he would get off at different times each day. Then, he switched jobs. His new job has much more regular hours. However, mentally switching to the new schedule took me a while. For a couple weeks (ok, fine. a couple months...), I would call him and ask when he’d be home. This (understandably) became very frustrating for him, as he repeatedly explained that there would be no more early nights with his new schedule. The longer it took me to ‘get it,’ the more frustrated he got. (For the record, I don’t know why it took me so long to get this through my head. I guess because I was used to 7 years of the other pattern. I don’t know. It just did.)  The good news is, I did eventually get it. However, at that point, when I would call David close to ‘quittin’ time, he would answer, expecting me to ask when he was getting off and, as a result, would already be frustrated. So, I would call just to say hi or see how his day was, be met with immediate frustration from his ‘tapes,’ and we would both hang up mad.  

See what I mean? A good way to tell if you are playing tapes is to consider if you have situations in which you find yourself ‘pre-frustrated.’ Maybe your spouse is running late from work and you are annoyed before even getting an explanation because you think you know why. Or you spilled something in your husband's car and you are mad because of how you ‘think’ he will respond (personal experience, and he wasn’t even upset!)

Regardless of the situation, the truth remains the same. Don’t play tapes.  

Random side note-in a few years, people won’t even understand what that means! I.am.too.old. ugh. 

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Story Time: "It's Dead," He Said...

Once upon a time, I innocently walked outside only to find one of the most horrifyingly awful bugs ever created.  Don't believe me? Allow me to show you a picture:

Like I said, horrifying.  I called my husband out to take a look.  Not surprisingly, his reaction was drastically different than mine.  While I wanted to call 911 or perhaps the military, David wanted to-yep you guessed it-touch it.  "It's dead", he said...

He lied.

As he began to investigate it, this monster of a bug suddenly clamped down its GIGANTIC pinchers.  What was my husbands reaction?  He FLUNG this HIDEOUS CREATURE RIGHT AT ME and it landed ON MY SHIRT.   In other words, he tried to kill me.   To this day he claims it was an 'accident'.  I have my doubts.  

Dear David,

Don't play with 'dead' bugs...at least not when I am around.

Love,

Your suspicious wife.

Tip #12: Start a "Blessings Book"

While I think this tip is a FANTASTIC one, I have not done great at this. However, I am not naive enough to think that each of these tips is one-size-fits-all. Different personalities will respond to some better than others, and this tip might be just what someone needs to help them give them a new perspective.  

Back in college, I was a marketing major. I learned that customers are 11 times more likely to complain than they are to give a compliment. I remember thinking this is not great news for businesses, and this same concept can be not-so-great for our relationships, or more specifically, our marriages.  

Our Blessings Book

The truth is, we have probably all been guilty of focusing more on the negative than the positive things in life (and marriage) occasionally.  If this remains unchecked, we can quickly become a ‘Negative Nancy.’ You know what I am talking about. The kind of person who complains about every.little.thing. In marriage, this can spiral out of control very quickly. As a result, every now and then, we might need a little help getting our perspective back from...the dark side.  

So, what do we do?  Well, when it comes to marriage, I suggest you start a blessings book.  A ‘Blessings Book’ is a little journal that you keep to record the things you love about your spouse. (You don't have to call it a 'blessings book'; I just want you to get the idea. You can check out ours in the pic.)  It can be anything from major things they’ve done that have knocked your socks off to the little, unique things that make you love them. Then, if you ever find yourself in a season, or even just a moment, that you are beginning to feel like a Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, Sullen Sammy, Pessimistic Pete... (...Ok, so I may have gotten carried away a bit here), sitting down with this little book can help refocus your attention and thoughts on all the reasons why you love you awesome spouse.  

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Prayer-God, it is easy to get distracted by the wrong things. Please help me focus on all the wonderful things about my husband, not only today, but every day of our lives together. Amen!