Marriage Tip #17: Feelings Are Often Dumb

I literally thought about stopping at the title. It is so simple and so true. Feelings are often dumb.  If I lived a life based on my feelings, I would be eating coffee ice cream with Biscoff cookies RIGHT NOW. Ok fine. I just had coffee ice cream with Biscoff cookies… and it was DEE-LISH-OUS. I don’t regret a thing.

But the point is, our feelings can be dumb. They can lead us astray. They are responsible for all kinds of bad choices in our lives. Take, for example, the guys who felt  this was a good idea:


Barfy burger, anyone? 

I am not saying feelings are all bad.  God gave them to us. We just can't be led by them, especially in marriage. In the words of my good friends Boston (and by ‘good friends’ I, of course, mean nothing), love is ”More than a Feeling”. Love IS a choice.  I repeat….love IS NOT A FEELING. Love is a choice. I choose daily to love my husband, and at times, it is in spite of my feelings.  So many marriages are like roller-coaster rides because they are built on feelings, not love. 

This is such an important difference! In the traditional “feelings-based” marriage, when it's good...it's reeaaaalll good, and when it's bad...it's REAL bad. However, in my “love-based” (love as a choice, not a feeling) marriage, I am happy to say that when it's good...it's reeeeaaalll good, and when it's bad...it's REAL good. Still. 

Get off the roller coaster, people. You’ll get sick, and not in the fun way, in the barfy burger way.

Marriage Tip #16: Husband & Wife: Have Sex. Lots of Sex. Ya’ll. I mean LOTS.

I have debated writing this for a while, but I can’t ignore it anymore. Before I get into this, please know I am not a marriage expert (obviously). But I do have a wonderful marriage of 17 years (as of 2023). I know our experience is not like everyone’s, but I honestly wish it were. It is so great. However, if you are reading this and thinking, ‘Great is not a word I would use to describe my marriage,’…that’s ok because God believes in marriage. He is in the business of reconciliation and restoration. It isn’t too late. It never is.

I have already written about much of the wisdom shared with us that has played a significant part in making our marriage great, and I have avoided this topic for far too long. However, over and over again, I have seen the damage that an intimacy-starved marriage can cause. Here’s the deal: I don’t think we realize the power of SEX. Let’s be honest: as a young Christian, I can remember praying, “God, please don’t let me die before I get married and experience sex.” (Yeah-I just admitted that.) We knew it was a big deal. Far too often, though, we quickly let ‘life’ get in the way once we enter marriage.

Sex is about intimacy, and intimacy is a critical ingredient to a happy marriage. In my honest discussions with friends who have shared that they are struggling to feel connected to their spouse, I know what to ask….’ How’s your sex life?’…and, unfortunately, I know the answer. Almost always, sex is an area that has been deprived. Sure, there are always other things we can work on, too…but your sex life is a great place to start.

So here’s the deal: we overcomplicate this area of marriage. Here is a little insight into what I mean: You may have heard it said to men, ‘Sex starts in the morning.’ In other words, ‘Dear husband of mine, if you want a piece of this tonight, you better get to work in the morning.’  I say, BOLOGNA! Sex doesn’t start in the morning (I mean, it can, but…). What starts in the morning is morning breath, showers, breakfast, annoying alarms, bed head, teeth brushing, packing lunches, shuffling kids, and the list goes on. In other words, there are a BUNCH of things that need to happen at our house in the morning, but making my husband start working to ‘earn’ sex isn’t one of them.

That being said, husbands, yes, please woo your wives. Never stop doing it. Not because it will earn you anything, but because you love her and want to constantly communicate to her how wonderful she is. Wives, take the pressure off your guy. While we need to understand the power of sex, we also need to uncomplicate it. Just do it. Do it a lot. Do it when you're tired. Do it when you don’t feel like it. Do it when you’re super busy. Do it when it’s late. Regardless of the situation, do it! I have never thought, ‘Ugh, that was a waste of time.’ When we’re busy (which is all the time for most of us), when we’re tired, overwhelmed, and even annoyed, we still NEED intimacy in our marriages. God gave us a gift when he gave us sex. It isn’t just about how good it feels. It is about an intimacy made specifically for a husband and wife. It is not just for fun; it is like air…our marriages NEED it to thrive. It is not only the icing on the cake…it IS the cake. Go. Eat cake.

The bottom line: take the pressure off. Have fun with it. Learn to value ‘quickies.’ However it happens, make sure it happens. A lot. Am I repeating myself? That’s because it is THAT important.
So go on-walk up to your spouse, give them a little wink, pinch their butt, or do whatever you need to do to get some tonight…and tomorrow….and the next day….and the next day….just remember, even God rested on the 7th day.

One more piece of advice: just for fun, come up with a code and use it from time to time. David and I have a code-but it is our secret. For the sake of an anonymous example-we have some friends that decided to call it ‘peanut butter and jelly.’ One would text the other, ‘Do you want peanut butter and jelly tonight?’

So go get yourself a sandwich!

Oh, and for the record, despite what culture would have you believe...it was TOTALLY worth the wait!

**I LOVE READING COMMENTS-SO DON'T HESITATE!**

Tip #15: Trust Their Heart

This one is a biggie…and I *think* it might apply a bit more to us ladies than the dudes…BUT I could be wrong (it wouldn’t be the first or the last time). Anyways, allow me to elaborate.  I love my husband. You guys know that, right? He is a WONDERFUL man with millions of AMAZING qualities. However, time estimation is (definitely) not (at all) one of them (I mean, really like, really really).

What do I mean? Early in our marriage, David would tell me ‘about 20 minutes’, so I thought that meant….well….about 20 minutes. After about an hour, I would be mad (like, really mad). However, after almost 8 years of wonderful matrimony, I have figured out the trick. I multiply every time estimate made by my amazing husband by 3. When he says, ‘I will leave in 5 minutes’, I plan for 15. When he says, ‘it should take about 20 minutes’, I plan for an hour. When he says, ‘I will call you right back,’ I know there will be a call sometime in the indefinite future. Now, I COULD get mad at him for always being wrong. BUT HERE’S THE VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT POINT: I know, without a shadow of a doubt and with every ounce of my being, that he is not intending to mislead me. It is never his heart's desire to throw me off or deliberately underestimate the time involved in any activity. He is just.plain.bad at it.  

So, what’s the point? I trust his heart. I trust his intentions. As a result, I choose to adjust for him rather than allow myself to get upset about something entirely unintentional. 

So, is there something your husband (or wife) does that gets under your skin? Maybe rather than trying to change them, you could decide to trust their heart. Trust that they love you and while they may not be great at __________(insert frustration here), their heart is not to annoy you. Next time it comes up, rather than trying to change your spouse, change your response by not looking at the action but looking at the heart. 

Could David change? Yes. And for what it’s worth, he has tried. (But he’s still really bad at it). However, rather than waiting for him to miraculously become better at time estimation, I decided years ago to trust this wonderful man-of-mines’ heart.*  

*Disclaimer: This was read and approved by my husband prior to posting J

Tip #14 Stop and Listen

It is a fact that two people (or even more) can have completely different opinions on something and both be right. I recently came across an old cartoon that does a great job illustrating this point.  

In the drawing, the two people stand at opposite ends, arguing over what they see. I imagine this argument going on for some time because each person is so convinced they are correct they can’t imagine that what the other person is arguing could be true. Obviously, we can see the one scenario neither of them is considering. In reality, they are both correct.  

Situations like these happen in marriages all the time. We can get so focused on only what we see that we can’t imagine our spouse's perspective. Sometimes, all we need to do is stop arguing our point of view long enough to be able to see our spouses. 

One thing that has really helped in our marriage is having other couples we love and trust that we allow to speak wisdom into our lives. Sometimes, especially early on, when we were having trouble seeing something from the other person’s point of view, we would take our situation to those amazing friends and they would help us get a new perspective. One closer to what we see in this picture; is a “bird's eye view” that allows us to each see where the other one was coming from. I don’t know why we sometimes hear things from other people that we cannot hear from our spouse, but at least for us, I have often found it true.  

That being said, be careful when selecting who you talk to  Make sure it is someone who is ‘for’ your marriage. Someone who will speak life into your marriage, and that it doesn’t turn into a gossip session about your spouse.  

Some of the most influential people in our marriage were our friends K & R (I didn’t ask for permission, so I am just sharing their initials). They loved us and were for us. They wanted to see our marriage thrive and were an incredible resource for us as we learned to communicate better. I am so thankful for those friends and their voices in our marriage.  


There’s a quote that say,s “We often need to lose sight of our priorities in order to see them” (John Irving, Trying to Save Piggy Sneed).  I think it fits well here, sometime we have to stop fighting for our own personal priority to remember the bigger priority-the miracle of our marriage.  
As always, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.  That is what this site is about, feel free to share your insights as well! Thanks for reading!

Story Time: Honey Do(n't

Our first home was a "fixer-upper." Some of the work we did included: replacing the flooring, remodeling the kitchen, painting every.stinkin.wall, smoothing the ceilings (that one got me a trip to the hospital and concussion...but I digress), and more. We also changed out every ceiling light and fan in the house. And by 'we,' I mostly mean ‘me.’ Of the 6 fans in the house, I replaced 5 of them with the help of my mom. The one fan I did not do was the fan in our master bedroom. This fan was left on the 'honey-do' list.

So, my honey did it.

Fast forward down the road and imagine waking up from a peaceful (pre-children) sleep to a very loud explosion in the middle of the night! We shot straight up in bed, completely startled and discombobulated. We both see what appears, in the dark, to be smoke, and David yells, 'Fire!' Obviously, this creates even more panic, and we frantically fumble to get out of bed. A few seconds later, we realize what has happened. The only fan to be installed, not by me, had fallen from the ceiling onto our bed. The 'smoke' was (embarrassingly) just a bunch of dust from the fan (don't judge me), and the 'explosion' was just the noise of the fan hitting our bed and then the floor.

I would like to take a moment to re-reiterate who had had installed the fan-David. Not me. My fans are all still securely hanging from the ceilings.

The more I write these, the more I realize they often include me thinking, even if for just a moment, I am going to die...

Dear David,

Let's leave the fan installations to your wifey. Mkay? Thanks.

Sincerely,
Your better-at-installing-fans-than-you wife

Tip #13: Don't Play Tapes

This tip is yet another, straight from our amazing pre-marriage counseling. Don’t play tapes. I realize you might not understand what this means, but once you do, these words can radically change your marriage.

Playing tapes is what we do when we enter a situation already annoyed, bothered, upset, or angry because we think we know what to expect from past behavior. What do I mean? Let me elaborate. I had a friend who really struggled with anger.  Everyone knew we had to walk on eggshells around her because anything could set her off. However, one day, the Lord really convicted her about this issue, and she made a real effort to work on how she reacted to situations. She did great. We (the friends and family) did not. We still ‘expected’ the same old reactions, so when something happened, we were ready for action. We would play tapes and still treat her as if she was going to explode. It wasn’t fair, and it didn’t help. She wanted to be less angry, but it was almost as if we wouldn’t ‘let’ her change. We were so used to a certain reaction we almost pushed those reactions on her.  

This happens in marriages quite often as well. Here’s an example from our own marriage:  For a long time, David had a job with lots of flexibility. This meant that he would get off at different times each day. Then, he switched jobs. His new job has much more regular hours. However, mentally switching to the new schedule took me a while. For a couple weeks (ok, fine. a couple months...), I would call him and ask when he’d be home. This (understandably) became very frustrating for him, as he repeatedly explained that there would be no more early nights with his new schedule. The longer it took me to ‘get it,’ the more frustrated he got. (For the record, I don’t know why it took me so long to get this through my head. I guess because I was used to 7 years of the other pattern. I don’t know. It just did.)  The good news is, I did eventually get it. However, at that point, when I would call David close to ‘quittin’ time, he would answer, expecting me to ask when he was getting off and, as a result, would already be frustrated. So, I would call just to say hi or see how his day was, be met with immediate frustration from his ‘tapes,’ and we would both hang up mad.  

See what I mean? A good way to tell if you are playing tapes is to consider if you have situations in which you find yourself ‘pre-frustrated.’ Maybe your spouse is running late from work and you are annoyed before even getting an explanation because you think you know why. Or you spilled something in your husband's car and you are mad because of how you ‘think’ he will respond (personal experience, and he wasn’t even upset!)

Regardless of the situation, the truth remains the same. Don’t play tapes.  

Random side note-in a few years, people won’t even understand what that means! I.am.too.old. ugh. 

I love reading your thoughts and comments! Please tell me what you think! 

Story Time: "It's Dead," He Said...

Once upon a time, I innocently walked outside only to find one of the most horrifyingly awful bugs ever created.  Don't believe me? Allow me to show you a picture:

Like I said, horrifying.  I called my husband out to take a look.  Not surprisingly, his reaction was drastically different than mine.  While I wanted to call 911 or perhaps the military, David wanted to-yep you guessed it-touch it.  "It's dead", he said...

He lied.

As he began to investigate it, this monster of a bug suddenly clamped down its GIGANTIC pinchers.  What was my husbands reaction?  He FLUNG this HIDEOUS CREATURE RIGHT AT ME and it landed ON MY SHIRT.   In other words, he tried to kill me.   To this day he claims it was an 'accident'.  I have my doubts.  

Dear David,

Don't play with 'dead' bugs...at least not when I am around.

Love,

Your suspicious wife.